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Blame! December 29, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — Positive Changes 4 Women, Inc @ 4:54 pm
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How do you deal with your problems? Do you place blame on other people and find fault through criticism, humiliation and accusations? Or do you take accountability and responsibility for your actions?

Everyone in their lifetime will make a mistake, but it is how they handle their mistakes that will also help determine their success. According to Dr. Alasko the author of “Beyond Blame,” there are two functions of blame,

(1) finding fault with another person or group.

(2) transferring responsibility onto someone else.

Both of these functions use four components; criticism, accusation, punishment, and humiliation so they can .

1) change someone’s behavior;

2) to vent a feeling;

3) to escape personal responsibility; and

4) to protect ourselves.

But what frequently happens with blame is more conflict, anger, sadness and isolation. Blame takes you away from problem solving. Blame keeps you in the pattern of self destruction. Blame stunts your growth and success because it gives you immediate gratification.

Think about a time you blamed someone. Human beings do it all the time. I’m fat because I don’t have time to exercise. If johnny wasn’t so lazy he could be a star quarterback on the NFL team. If my child wasn’t so rude I wouldn’t lose my temper etc.  When you start to blame other people for your feelings ask your self the following questions;

What actions did you take to resolve the issue? Did it make you feel better in the long term.  Did it help you make constructive changes?  Did you become bitter and shut of from the world? Did it help you make you a better person?”

Eckhart Tolle said it best when he stated “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it

In order to make changes, you must first take responsibility and accountability for your actions.  Ask yourself what role you  might have played to create this problem?  Do you tend to know everything? Are you judgmental? Do you shut down? Do you shout? Do you make excuses etc.

Try to look at the situation from a third party perspective.  What would this person say if they were on the outside?  What would they say to you?  What do you need to do differently?

Remember Blame has it purposes, but what are your intentions when you are blaming people and how is it helping you move forward and create a harmonious life?

 

Focus on what you want!! November 14, 2013

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“Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals.” ..Winifred Gallagher

Winifed Gallagher, author of  the book “Rapt: Attention and the focused life;” elegantly summed up the theory of life in the following quote “who you are, what you think, feel and do, what you love is the sum of what you focus on.”  In other words, whatever you pay attention to, will determine your actions thoughts and feelings.

In my experience, most people focus on”what they don’t want.” for eg; ” I don’t want to be fat,” “I’m not going to be like my mother,” or ” I don’t want to be in a bad relationship.” So when people are focused on what they don’t want, they start looking in all the wrong places and shut down to all possible solutions to getting the life that they want. For example, there were two friends who I will call ; Poppy and Olivia.  Poppy and Olivia wanted to travel the world and would spend many evenings talking about the places they wanted to visit. However, only one of them would make her dreams come true because of where she chose to place her focus.

Poppy not only wanted to travel the world, she also wanted to get paid to travel the world. As they began to do their research, Olivia became disheartened. She began to focus on the cost of traveling, and how she was going to pay to get to those destinations. Then her fears would slowly start to take over.  “This is never going to happen,” ‘This is Impossible,” “What will happen if we run out of money, etc?” “No one is going to pay us to travel.” Thus, she started looking in all the wrong places and fulfilling her belief/focus.

However, Poppy’s focus was different. She acknowledged that at times it may be difficult but she kept her focus on how she could get paid to travel. This focus opened doors for her, took her in directions she never anticipate.  With this focus she started to research the people before her who got paid to travel. She learned that she could become a nanny or work on a cruise ship or become a camp counselor in another country. With this information, her thoughts changed, her feelings changed as did her actions. Poppy was able to travel the world and get paid because of where she placed her focus. While her friend Olivia created her worst fears because of where her attention and focus was placed.

All to often people just wonder on the treadmill of life and have no idea where they are going or how they got to where they are. You need to get clear about what you want.  Poppy knew she wanted to travel, but she also wanted to get paid.  She didn’t stay in the most luxurious of places and she had to compromise.  In order to get paid to travel, she had to work.

So here are some tips to focus on the life that you want?

1: Ask your-self where you are currently putting your focus?

It’s really that simple and is that focus getting you where you need to be?  You will probably find that your focus has been on surviving, what not to do wrong etc.  How is this focus helping you achieve your dreams.  So y

2: Make a list of all of the things that make you happy.

All to often people focus on what doesn’t make them happy and spend a lot of time trying to avoid these things/feelings. In order to create the life you want, you have to know what makes you smile, gives you energy, motivates you etc..Do rainbows make you smile? Do you like to snuggle up in bed on a cold dreary day, does talking to a friend energize you?  how about when you put on make up?  Get to know your-self.  You are going to be surprised at how long that list is.
3: WRITE:

Ahh the power of writing is amazing.  Keep writing about you want.  It make take a couple of times to get clear about you want.  The writing will help you with this process.  Get very detailed about that would be like.  How will you feel?  How will you know that you are living that life? Who is in your life. What can you smell, feel and touch. Keep writing and readjusting until it feels right.

4:  Dedicate about 10-30 minutes a day to focusing on what you want?

So turn of your phones, email and any other distractions and dedicate 10-30 minutes of focusing on what you want.  When you learn to do this on a daily basis, your are strengthening the neural pathway in your brain to look for solutions to help you create your dream.

 

But most importantly “be kind to your-self during this process.”  You are learning something new, and this is probably the first time that you are learning to discover what makes you happy:-)

 

 

 

A letter to my 16 year old self! April 2, 2013

Filed under: personal stories of inspiration — Positive Changes 4 Women, Inc @ 5:16 pm
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At some point in therapy I will typically ask my clients to write a letter to their 16 year old selves. At 16 we feel like we know everything and it is the time we will probably take some of our biggest risks, but along the way we end up loosing ourselves and become lost in our fears.  The point of the exercise is to remind you of what is important and why you are important.  Everybody was born for a reason!

Below is a letter from a client who did this exercise and graciously agreed to publish on this website.

A letter to my 16 year old self!

I just want you to know you have the world at your feet.

You have so many great qualities to share, don’t cut yourself short or think you that you don’t deserve to true friends or know what true love feels like. You have so much to offer, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there to meet new people an do different things. Your life will be what you make it, enjoy every moment for what it is.

Please learn to trust yourself, listen to what your and your gut tell you. You will have so many great successes and failures in life, whether it be school, career, friends, relationships, learn from both!! They will make you a better person. Take away from success and failure what you can, chart your own path, don’t let others do it for you. You will meet many people along your journey, some well intentioned and true, some you need to let go of. Don’t be scared to let the bad ones go, you will be a stronger person and better person. Be strong and independent, face adversity head on even though you may be unsure or scared. Let yourself be vulnerable and let your friends see the true YOU!!! They will love you for who you are and will be there no matter what because they love you.

Your life is going to be an amazing journey with some bumps along the way. You will fall down, and sometimes be pushed down. But get up!! Brush yourself off and keep going because those things will not define your life, they will give it character and color. Nothing can break your spirit. You are a survivor and a fighter. Don’t let anyone take that away!

Please don’t give up on yourself, you can make your life everything you want it to be.