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Connection January 28, 2014

Filed under: parenting — Positive Changes 4 Women, Inc @ 10:14 pm
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Typically when I see a child in my office it is because of a breakdown in communication. However, both parent and child are usually frustrated and want me to help “fix” the other person.   What they are really to say is that they want a relationship with the other person.  So What i try to teach each person is to be accountable and responsible for their own feelings and actions.

Here are some tips to help reconnect and to take accountability and responsibility for your behavior and actions.

1: Take a break from control:

It is important to remember that being in “control,” does not equal “controlling.” So if you find your-self losing your temper, shutting down, placing blame on the other person for your feelings, feeling stubborn, shouting, throwing things or screaming, then you are no longer in “control.” You are now demonstrating controlling behavior.

2: Pay attention to your own triggers and thoughts.
If you are insecure or have fears of failure , or issues with anger, it can dramatically affect your connection with your child. Do you find your-self shutting down, interrupting or shouting when your child doesn’t do what you want them to do? If so then you need to work on your own issues before you can have any influence over your own child. Look at your-self as investigator. Remember this is not about blame. This is about figuring out what needs to change to make your relationship stronger and better. Your child looks to you to help them through difficult and stormy times. They need parents who are calmly and confidently in control, and to be in control, a parents ability needs to be independent of their child’s behavior or misbehavior. So I encourage you to challenge yourself and to get a better understanding of what your triggers are. Think about a recent incident with your child that did not go well and then answer the following three questions.

1. What was I feeling when my child either ignored me. shouted at me, refused to do something etc

2. What was I thinking before, during and after the incident?

3. Why did this situation bother me

4. What could I have done differently?

3: Ask yourself the opposite of what you expect them to do.
The most common complaints I have from parents are; “my kid is lazy, she doesn’t listen, she is spoiled, she is manipulative, etc.” Lets take the example that “she doesn’t listen.” You could probably easily list all the reasons why she doesn’t listen. From this perspective it can limit the relationship. So instead try asking your-self all the reasons why, your child “SHOULDN”T” listen to you. Go ahead try it. Here are some examples of the answers parents have given; “I don’t listen to her, I dismiss her feelings and tell her she is lying, I get angry when she interrupts, I shout, I blame her for my feelings, I smile when she is crying, she is probably frustrated, she probably doesn’t trust me, etc” and the list goes on.

4: Learn to stay calm in the storm by not focusing on the incident.
A child is undergoing massive changes and sometimes this can trigger bouts of intense anxiety, anger and sadness. They may scream, hit their sibling, skip school, not do their homework, lie etc. What a child needs at this point is a strong leader. Someone that is going to help them get through this storm. If you as the parent find your-self getting angry, crying, giving orders or shutting down, then you are no longer in control.

First check in with your feelings and thoughts.

Second ask your-self “the opposite of what you want or expect them to do.” “Why should she skip school ?” Why should she NOT do her homework?” “Why should she NOT talk to me.”

Third: Wait until the storm has passed to talk about the incident. In other words resist the temptation to nag and lecture during the storm. You won’t get anywhere and it will only cause a further disconnect

5: Find a connection with your kid:

All to often I will hear parents talk about how they don’t like their kids choice of music, the type of clothes they wear, the friends they hang out with, the shows they watch or even there after school activities, but then get upset when the child does not listen to them or wants to be with them. A child who feels that they have nothing in connection with their parent will feel alone and thus will seek out other people who share the same likes. They are seeking attachment with other like minded people. Think about your interests and your likes. Would you seek out other people that show no interest in what you like? If a child does not form that attachment through sameness, then she will seek it elsewhere and gradually shut out the people who do not share the same interests.
Look at this as a great opportunity to understand what makes your child tick and to have some positive influence. It is not really about what YOU like. This is about connecting with your child and celebrating who she is as a person. Children always long for a parent’s approval and acceptance and one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to celebrate in their unique talents, personalities and interests.

 

Blame! December 29, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — Positive Changes 4 Women, Inc @ 4:54 pm
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How do you deal with your problems? Do you place blame on other people and find fault through criticism, humiliation and accusations? Or do you take accountability and responsibility for your actions?

Everyone in their lifetime will make a mistake, but it is how they handle their mistakes that will also help determine their success. According to Dr. Alasko the author of “Beyond Blame,” there are two functions of blame,

(1) finding fault with another person or group.

(2) transferring responsibility onto someone else.

Both of these functions use four components; criticism, accusation, punishment, and humiliation so they can .

1) change someone’s behavior;

2) to vent a feeling;

3) to escape personal responsibility; and

4) to protect ourselves.

But what frequently happens with blame is more conflict, anger, sadness and isolation. Blame takes you away from problem solving. Blame keeps you in the pattern of self destruction. Blame stunts your growth and success because it gives you immediate gratification.

Think about a time you blamed someone. Human beings do it all the time. I’m fat because I don’t have time to exercise. If johnny wasn’t so lazy he could be a star quarterback on the NFL team. If my child wasn’t so rude I wouldn’t lose my temper etc.  When you start to blame other people for your feelings ask your self the following questions;

What actions did you take to resolve the issue? Did it make you feel better in the long term.  Did it help you make constructive changes?  Did you become bitter and shut of from the world? Did it help you make you a better person?”

Eckhart Tolle said it best when he stated “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it

In order to make changes, you must first take responsibility and accountability for your actions.  Ask yourself what role you  might have played to create this problem?  Do you tend to know everything? Are you judgmental? Do you shut down? Do you shout? Do you make excuses etc.

Try to look at the situation from a third party perspective.  What would this person say if they were on the outside?  What would they say to you?  What do you need to do differently?

Remember Blame has it purposes, but what are your intentions when you are blaming people and how is it helping you move forward and create a harmonious life?

 

Emotions February 6, 2013

Filed under: trauma,Uncategorized — Positive Changes 4 Women, Inc @ 9:32 pm
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In order to change ones behavior, it is best to start by learning how to identify your emotions. Emotions are essentially, fundamentally adaptive. In other words, emotions tell you everything you need to know what is going on in your life. They are your little minions. Emotions help you understand whats going on in any given situation. Emotions can motivate you and help you communicate with other people.

So for example, suppose your friend said something sarcastic and hurt your feelings about the way you look. Your emotion might be sadness, anger or disgust. Then if you attack your friend verbally or stop talking to her, she may not understand or realize that her comments offended you, and may think that you are being mean or rude. But, if you tune into your emotions and let yourself feel the pain, then you are better able to express your feelings towards your friend..

Now answer the following questions

Anger has helped me to…..

destroy relationships: Describe

keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again: Describe

Shut down: Describe

Motivate me to change my life: Describe

Fight for a worthy cause: Describe

Love has helped me to:

Enhance relationships: Describe

Forgive someone: Describe:

Be present: Describe

Keep me in a dysfunctional relationship: Describe

Tell others how I feel about them: Describe

Fear has helped me to:

Avoid dangerous situations: Describe

Avoid doing something I am scared off: Describe

Allows me to play victim: Describe

Allows me to tune into my feelings: Describe

Guilt has helped me to...

Know when I have offended someone I care about: Describe

Keeps me in dysfunctional relationships: Describe

To make amends and repair a relationship: : Describe

To know when I am acting against my own values: Describe

To have weak boundaries: Describe

Emotions are a full body system response.  When your emotions are triggered, then so is your body.  Emotions involve your thinking, your facial affect and physiological responses.  So the first step in change is to start paying attention to the way you feel.  The next step will be about your thoughts.  Emotions used in the “right” way can be a powerful force in the right direction of true happiness.  Emotions used in the “wrong” can be used as a powerful force of sabatoge. and misery.